Madam You Used to be So Sexy

One thing that always amazes me once you get outside of Western culture is how incredibly blunt or off some comments can feel sometimes. Yes, in the West we are so politically correct that it is counter productive and quite frankly ridiculous in my opinion. But yet, where does one draw the line? Well, the answer is you can’t because what one person finds insulting another doesn’t.

I have come across this on numerous occasions, and often it is about physical appearance and weight. I was reminded of this again recently when a Filipino woman who works for one of my friends came by my house to pick up something for her. We hadn’t seen each other for several months and while she was quite happy to see me, and vice versa, the first thing she said to me was “Madam what happened to you? You gained weight! You used to be so sexy! “.

Now, I can only laugh about this and the extra comment about being sexy or having been is always interesting to me. Maybe thin equates with sexy in Eastern culture, I am not sure.

For some cultures, I wonder if this could be a way of females bonding in a sisterly way. I figure in some cases if people are bold enough to go there and they have known you for some time, they want to be closer to you? Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking. Or, they already feel close enough that they can tell you? Or, they are just honest with what they feel? As my two-year old son would say, “What is that?”

In Istanbul, I was never so sure of the intent. And it was often confusing because if one person told me I looked good or lost weight, within a few hours another would tell me I gained weight. They all cancelled out any theories I had about cultural norms on this subject.

I’m not sure how it is in Arab culture, or Indian culture. However, I have been bluntly told my some male Indian colleagues if I’ve gained or lost weight. There is nothing harassing or anything behind it. It is all very matter of fact as if you were talking about a scratch on your car.

The Filipinos I know or encounter often do not have any issues telling me this. I can’t help but wonder if it is more of an Eastern thing because once on a trip to Viet Nam, a local male was pointing out “fat” girls to me while we were waiting in the car for my husband. I was completely floored because I could not tell the difference between his definitions of fat and thin at all. They looked the same to me - tiny! I know people often find Americans big – and they are – but I remember thinking I must be huge by comparison if this is their example of fat!

At least the good thing is while a Filipino may feel you are gaining weight, they will tell you when you look good, too. So you know the intent is not malicious. In similar fashion once when I was at a salon in our complex one of the girls who used to work there was very excited to learn that I knew the “Sexy pregnant lady” in our complex. Yes, that’s my neighbor and she is tall and gorgeous, built like Heidi Klum. After she delivers those babies she’s got the same elasticity as Heidi too. It was very sweet though because she is beautiful and while a lot of people get caught up in how much weight someone gains while they are pregnant, while easy to see her beauty, they were not afraid to compliment her on it.

I hear comments from time to time regardless of any weight gain or not. For the first few years living abroad, it bugged me. Now I am quite used to it, and probably at this age don’t care too much about it. However, I am still fascinated by it.

My personal philosophy: It’s still what is on the inside that counts. Regardless of where I live if someone has gained or lost weight I don’t care as long as they are healthy and happy.

So, “What happened to me and why am I not sexy”? I guess baggy jeans, t-shirts, no make up and a bad cold do not constitute sexy in the Philippines.

Where's My Soup????

As soon as I was diagnosed with pneumonia, friends came to the rescue with food. My Turkish girlfriends who were amazing in keeping me well fed after I delivered my son over two years ago did the same for me when I was sick. Back then it struck me as interesting because often in the US there are many people who think, "oh they probably just want to be alone so they can adjust", grieve or do whatever it is the situation calls for. In Turkey it seems the motto is "you must eat". It's nice and very thoughtful. In the US we often do not ask for help. In Turkey, help comes whether you want it or not - its insisted upon and could be insulting to refuse it in some cases.

So while I was sick, my close Turkish girl friends gave me all kinds of support that I really appreciate so very much. My friend Yonca made soup for me. Sick or not, I love soup and would never refuse it - unless tripe soup or something meat based. In her incredibly busy life of raising two kids, a full time job, writing a column, training for a race, moderating the Turkish women's group in Dubai and a slew of other things, she took the time to make soup for me.

She called when she arrived, but I didn't answer as I fell asleep while putting Erin to sleep. A common thing in the last several weeks because I was too exhausted to stay awake. So, she sent Sarper a message that she left soup by the door. When he came back from the gym, there was no soup....hmmm...very odd.

He called her, said there was no soup. She was certain she left it there. She has visited us several times so surely she couldn't have left it in the wrong place. I checked later, but still no soup. Sarper spoke to her again and we then realized she left it in front of the wrong door. It was left at our neighbor's house. However, by then it was around midnight or so and too late to go knock on their door to request it back. I was a wee bit disappointed because I would have loved some warm soup! I was really looking forward to it for the next day.

We knocked on their door a couple of times and there was no answer...so disappointing. I was too sick to knock on their door again for a couple of days to see what happened and Sarper was traveling. When I finally merged, I looked out in the hallway only to find all of Yonca's containers bagged up and empty! Odd. She had also left some honey with the soup, but there was no honey. Even more perplexing.

The next day Yonca brought a new batch of soup - to the correct apartment. It was incredibly good! I gave her back the empty containers and we were both in disbelief that they just left the empty containers outside. Furthermore she wrote a note with it addressed to me and listed all the ingredients. Knowing that Erin is diabetic and we have to carb count everything, she even took the time to do all this. She also signed it with her personalized four leave clover stationary (which is what her name means in Turkish). You would think this would be a true trigger for the neighbor that the soup was not intended for them.

I had knocked a few times to get the honey, but no answer. I must admit I don't know all of my neighbors that well. Some we do, but other apartments you rarely see anyone entering or exiting. And I'm just not that nosy anyway to really follow other's comings and goings.

But man, I really wanna know what happened to my soup!! If someone left food at your door and you didn't know who it was from, would you eat it? I wouldn't! If you did eat it, would you be bold enough to put the empty containers back outside and wait for the new food service to pick it up? I wouldn't do that either! And if it was addressed to someone or not, I would go around and knock on a few doors to see if anyone was missing any soup!

The following day I resurfaced to take out the trash. I saw a guy going to the elevator that I didn't recognize so much so I decided to ask. Yes, he lived there. He was aware there was soup left, but didn't share any information of its were abouts. I asked him about the honey. He didn't know so had to call his roommate to ask where he kept it. He presented the honey. He was at least kind enough to say he hoped I was feeling better. At that point I decided to drop the pneumonia card. I figure in case they did eat it a little bit of guilt won't hurt. I haven't seen them since.

Now I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm thinking two single guys - they ate the soup. I can see Joey and Chandler on Friends eating anything that was left at their door. - Especially Joey. He'd finish it off before Chandler would be home. But just as we will never know who shot JFK, we will probably never know the real truth.

A few days after that my friend Aysen called me because she was also coming by to bring me soup. Yeah! More soup. And pumpkin, which is one of my favorites. She and her daughter arrived with lovely flowers, strawberries and some kind of chocolate that was in the shape of Pringles - they were so good - but no soup.

Aysen set the soup out for it to thaw. She left and when she came back home to get the soup to bring it to me it was gone! Her maid threw it away!!

I don't know what is up with me and soup, but I guess I just wasn't destined to have any during my recovery. But thank you very much my friends for your hard work and efforts!!